How soon is too soon to move in with your partner? This is a very common question and stage that many couples will reach at some point if they’re going to take things seriously.
The timing of everything is usually when couples start struggling. you have to have the right amount of comfort with each other in order to feel like it’s a good idea to move in with each other
Usually, one of the partners will want to move in before the other one does. They start fantasizing about cuddling all the time, cooking, and watching TV shows. With the way the economy is today, it may seem like a really good idea to move in before you’re ready to start saving money. But if you do it too early it can drive a wedge between you
There is a lot of bad advice out there so asking how soon is too soon to move in together it’s a great question to ask. I have coached many people with admitted that they moved in together too quickly without getting to know the other person well enough.
In this article, I’m going to cover common issues that people have by moving in together too quickly
How long should you wait before deciding to move in together
Until recently moving in together was considered a bad idea until you were married. Things are completely different today because since the 1960s premarital cohabitation has gone up 950%.
I think it’s important that people actually do live together before they get married because you get to understand and see how that person operates when in close quarters with you. more and more people are starting to understand that. So, the question of how long you should wait before you move in together has started to pop up more and more.
There was a survey done at Stanford University on how long it takes different couples to consider moving in together
25% of couples consider moving in together after four months
50% of couples decide to move in together after one year
30% of couples decide to move in together after two years
Then around 10% consider moving in after four years
As you can see more than half of couples are ready to move in together after a year. which I honestly have to agree with I think people should wait at least a year personally after all the coaching that I have done over the years. you really don’t know somebody until about a year later.
Is moving in together really that big of a step
I would say yes, it is. a lot of people think it’s the precursor to marriage. Sharing any kind of living space is a really big deal. you learn a great deal about the other person. you learn what they are willing to tolerate, their habits, how neat and tidy they are, etc.
moving in together is an unwritten way of saying let’s take the next step and see if we can handle it together
The thing about living together too is how boring it can really be. The whole point of our relationship is to come together and share your most exciting and most boring moments together.
Having a successful relationship is being able to communicate and respect each other’s boundaries over time. As the months and years go by you become familiar with how they handle conflict and stress.
I had many clients do coaching sessions with me during the coronavirus-19 pandemic. many of them were forced to be home together far longer than they were comfortable with and that created a lot of conflicts.
and since a lot of conflicts were created, they didn’t really know how to handle them properly which led to a lot of breakups.
So, it’s really important to understand how your partner handles stress and conflict in a relationship because when you live together you can’t just run away all the time.
There are many different reasons why conflict happens in a relationship like money issues. being able to have a successful cohabitation is being able to resolve conflicts like that positively.
39% of couples who move in together break up at some point and 40% go on to get married.
21% of people live together without feeling that they need to get married.
So, to finally answer the question of how long should you wait to move in together or how soon is too soon and moving together you should wait at least 6-12 months.
you are going to be able to gauge how serious the relationship is as it will come up often. what you should be looking for is how they handle conflict and how they handle stress and how they handle negativity when things come up. do they fly off the handle, do they get upset? do they smash dishes?
these are all things you want to know before moving in together.
ALSO READ
Does moving in together kill a relationship
There are several factors that can influence what will kill a relationship. moving in together just brings the two individuals closer which brings their personality traits closer. if those problems are still there and they don’t live together it can still cause a relationship to end.
It goes without saying that when you move in together you are sharing everything. sometimes couples don’t realize how much they will be sharing with the other person. For example, one of the issues my wife and I had to deal with that we had constant conflict about was sharing the bathroom.
It was hard because I like to leave my stuff in one particular spot so I can easily grab it for when I need to use in the future. she likes everything tucked away and tidied. we had to work through this because I like things to be simple and easy and she likes things to be neat and tidy and presentable.
so, if you’re going to have a successful relationship it is these minute small things that you will have to work on. there really is no way to understand or know exactly what you’re going to have conflicts with until you actually do move in together. as I mentioned before you want to understand the person’s character and how they deal with things.
If they are a poor communicator they don’t listen or take criticism well moving in with them is going to be a disaster.
One of the nastiest things I see during a breakup is when people have to split everything apart. when you move in together you take on pets, financial obligations, and maybe even agreements with their family (you may be working for their family members. I have seen everything).
I personally deal with a lot of breakups and a lot of divorce in my line of work, and I hear the pain in their voice when they have to split up the kids or split up the time with pets or whatever obligations they had during the relationship.
How soon is too soon to move in with your partner?
moving in with somebody is a very intense and difficult decision to make especially for people who are inexperienced with relationships.
Don’t ever forget that you are dating somebody’s character. who they are. This will make you much more or less comfortable with them. The closer that you guys get overtime the more comfortable you’re going to feel moving in together
Relationships usually begin with you and your partner hanging out at each other’s place. You might even sleep over or stay for a couple of days at their place and they might do the same thing at your place.
This is where things really begin because you are in each other’s space for enough time. You can see what their habits are. Like do they leave their clothes all over the floor, do they leave food sitting around?
These are the kinds of things you’re looking for because what you see here is what you’re going to be living with.
Just remember it’s about establishing comfort together and getting to know their quirks and how they operate.
Generally speaking, the natural progression to moving in together is when you guys have spent quite some time together already without too much negativity.
A really good thing to do is establish certain boundaries before you’re about to move in without getting too negative about it. a good way to do this is to clearly state what you don’t want so the other person understands what makes you uncomfortable.
establish which rooms you guys are going to clean. For example, my wife and I have certain specific rooms that we both look after. I never touch the bathroom that is her room. she likes to keep it to her level of cleanliness.
Just try to think about how this is all really going to play out. a lot of people rush into moving in together because they are so deeply in love. they may still be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. emotions will cause people to do things and then people will justify their actions with logic.
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make sure you’re past the honeymoon phase
The honeymoon phase usually lasts between six months to a year. sometimes less sometimes more but generally speaking this is about as long as it lasts.
The honeymoon phase is basically when everything in the relationship is perfect. there is nothing your partner can do that is wrong. eventually, this does die off and you do see the forest through the trees. it doesn’t mean that things get bad but you just have to let this worry off before you move in with somebody because it can lead to a big mistake.
as a relationship coach, I have seen this happen time and time again. two people moved in before understanding each other thoroughly.
this can lead to resentment and frustration down the road. many relationships end because of too much negativity on a consistent basis. when too much negativity happens usually people aren’t feeling heard or understood over time. eventually, they feel like leaving the relationship is the right thing to do. moving in too soon before understanding each other can lead right to that path.
as I mentioned before you guys should be able to communicate with each other effectively.
When you’re already pretty much living together anyway
this is what happened with me and my wife. we were around each other so much that we eventually just said look let’s just move in together. let’s share the bills let’s share everything. it was more of a feeling than a spoken decision.
at this point, you’re probably sleeping at least a few times a week at their place and they’re spending tons of time at your place. you’re eating together for tons of meals. buying each other things, and visiting each other’s parents often.
A lot of the time would end up happening if they all just plan their day around seeing you. they might get home from work and text you and see if you’re home and just come right over. what happened with me is when I went to work during my shift she would say “come over when you’re done”.
it happens very organically if the relationship is going well. at this point as well they’re going to be leaving clothes at your place that might even have a drawer closet space.
The finances make sense
The thing about living together and being in a very committed and serious relationship is money. we all know that tons of relationships and marriages end because of finances.
since we know this, it is better to get your finances in order before you move in together. something I see a lot of is young couples that are still currently in college or university trying to make things work with the little money that they do have.
The smart thing to do is to plan everything far before you guys actually take the plunge into moving in.
In the beginning, when I was extremely broke it started out with my wife taking care of the rent and I was taking care of all the other bills like food, the phone bill, car insurance, Internet, etc.
this worked really well for us so maybe you can apply it to your situation.
just make sure that you discuss it thoroughly and that you’re both on the same page before you are about to take the plunge.
also have a backup plan in case somebody gets injured at work or loses their job. things happen in the world every single day and you never know so prepare for the worst.
the best thing that we did for this kind of situation was we saved quite a bit of money in the case, we did lose our jobs.
Are you ready?
A lot of the time your partner will make it obvious that they’re ready to move in with you. they will bring it up a lot.
If you’re a man reading this a woman will often say “where do you see this going” or “what do you think the next step is for us”. this is a good thing to hear from a woman especially if you want a long-term serious relationship.
if you’re a woman reading this. a man will be much more direct and will normally come out and just say to you that he wants to move in with you or will invite you to move in with him. this will only happen as long as everything is going right in his life.
A lot of the time men don’t want to take on serious commitments when they themselves are not in a great place in life. so, if you’ve seen your man sort of hint at this and then sort of pull back, he is not where he wants to be individually and does not want to take on the responsibility of you moving in with him.
have you had any tough times so far
couples do fight and sometimes they even have long rough patches in their relationship. if you’ve had one so far it will help you understand what kind of person you’re going to be living with.
if they fly off the handle and get upset don’t really expect them to change their behavior unless they are truly working on themselves
Too many people expect others to change as time goes on or they expect to change their partners for them. they think love will conquer all and the flaws of the person will suddenly just go away.
I’m going to do an entire blog post on this, but their shortcomings are not your fault.
too many people take on the responsibilities of their partners without understanding reality. over the years I have noticed that people don’t change unless they’re absolutely forced to. the ones that do work on themselves constantly and this is rare as it is. I’m talking about truly working on yourself truly facing your demons. In all my years of coaching it is very rare and hard to find people who truly do really want to work on themselves every single day with no days off.
that is a topic for a whole different blog post however you can’t ignore reality and think that your partner is going to change just because you love them, and they love you.
how willing are you to compromise at any moment
if I had to pick two things communication and compromise would be the two things that both individuals should completely understand about living together.
a lot of people inflate the idea of what a relationship really is and to be honest it’s just two people spending time together with intimacy. it’s not much more than that. and people want to slap labels and insert their ideals into what relationships really are but at the end of the day, you were sharing your life and your completeness with another person.
This is why it is important to date somebody who is working on themselves and who sees themselves as a whole and complete person and just wants you along for the ride. a lot of people will date somebody and think that they need that person in their life to complete them. the truth is you are an individual with your own talents, dreams, goals, aspirations, hobbies, etc. you do not need another person to complete you.
with all that being said be ready to compromise. be ready to give up things that you would normally do if you did live on your own or maybe things that your parents may have let you get away with. your girl or guy might not want you to do those things while you live with them. you may have to let go of certain habits.
How to know if it’s too soon
I’ll be quite honest here it’s feeling. that feeling usually hits slowly over time as things have been going right and things have been staying positive over time. If it’s too soon it will feel too soon. you will think about that person and living with that person, and it just won’t feel right.
you may even think they have a lot of work to do. maybe they do have a lot of work to do on themselves.
I personally coach men between the ages of 18 to 35. many of those men are really not ready for serious relationships let alone living with somebody and getting married.
I talk to them all the time and a lot of them are dealing with issues. many of them are living purposeless lives. many of them feel like nobody cares about them.
if this is you, I would highly suggest you book a call with me so we can go over your life and how to achieve your goals. I also teach people how to make money online and create freedom for themselves. if you’re interested in that book a call with me here.
FAQ
What happens if you move in together and you realize it’s too soon
this is tough because you’ve now made a commitment and now you have to go back on that commitment. now if it is toxic and it’s just not a good place to be then definitely leave and don’t stay somewhere you are not loved. but nobody is forcing you to do something you’re not supposed to do and if they are well that’s against the law.
if you realize it’s too soon then go back home or find some sort of alternative situation.
in my coaching sessions, I have actually come across this problem a few times and people are just really scared. they don’t really want to face the pain of hurting somebody else and letting them know that they don’t really want to live with them anymore.
a ton of my work revolves around understanding emotions like fear, anger, apathy, etc. 99% of people are so pain averse not knowing that it will suck in the beginning, but it will bring relief and possibly pleasure later. it’s like the idea of working out. nobody really likes to work out in the beginning and then eventually you start liking it and even getting addicted to it.
Is moving in together a big step
Yes, it is. It’s a big step because of how much you’re going to have to share with a whole other person. you’re going to have to communicate and instill boundaries. You’re going to have to learn how to compromise. you’re going to have to learn how to communicate about money. you’re going to must learn how to plan your entire life with somebody else that is not your family. so yes, it is a big step
