What to do if a guy is interested and then backs off? this is a common question that comes up in the dating world today. Many women don’t really know why men act the way that they do.
I hope this article brings some clarity to you.
What to do if a guy is interested and then backs off?
This can be incredibly frustrating when you’re dealing with a guy, and everything is going well. then suddenly, he seems cold and distant like he doesn’t really care at all
It seems like it will never happen sometimes because you’ll get to a certain point with a guy, and he will just randomly disappear as soon as things start getting semi-serious. During my coaching, I’ve seen this often I’d like to shine some light on it
One thing people are trying to figure out is why guys do this or why people do this in the first place. and most of the time you’re going to blame yourself for why it happens.
He is distant because of his past relationships
This is something that I personally dealt with because of so many of my past relationships. when I found a new person and it got serious, I got scared.
when you open your heart to give love and receive love and you end up getting burned you’re going to be reluctant to give again.
There is absolutely nothing on this planet like heartbreak. especially heartbreak you were not expecting. I coach men and women every single day and the things that they would give to have that relationship back never ceases to amaze me.
It is very possible he’s been cheated on, verbally or physically abused, or heartbroken. so, the guy has his guard up and he’s not willing to commit just yet. leaving you wondering why he is flip-flopping back and forth.
Something women don’t really understand what I’m doing calls with them is that other women aren’t always the Princess and kind creatures that they appear to be. so, when I tell them that men do go through nasty breakups and men do feel deep emotions it throws women off sometimes. It may seem completely obvious to someone reading this, but it comes up during my calls.
sometimes it seems like our society has made men seem emotionless which is not true
A breakup can literally make anybody man or woman feel completely unloved, insecure, and feeling completely worthless. a lot of grief and shame come up during a breakup which will definitely make a man think twice before getting into another committed relationship.
Now, this doesn’t always mean he’s going to be distant forever. he may come around and want to make things work with you. However, it is not your job to fix him or convince him to be with you because you’re going to be better. it is up to him to do that.
I know how much you might like this guy but another thing I see very often during coaching is how badly people want to change their outcome just because they like someone a lot. you are projecting your emotions and feelings onto somebody else and you want them to change their choices and free will to match your emotions.
love is free. When he feels like there is too much pressure he will back off because he feels like you want to progress into a more serious tone in your relationship.
He is not very excited by you
I am not the kind of coach who’s going to blow sunshine up your ass and tell you that you are perfect. Sometimes people are just not that interested in you. it happens it’s part of life. it would be absolutely delusional to think that everybody and anybody should be attracted to you.
At first, he will be completely enamored by your looks which is what brings him in but it’s the personality that will keep him around.
In the beginning of every relationship, it’s all about infatuation. when that wears off what you’re left with is the personality. if he doesn’t really like your personality too much he’s going to back off. he may be very physically attracted to you but doesn’t really like being around you too much.
He is only interested in sex
again, this is not something that you’re going to really want to hear but it is common, and it does happen. some of the things on this list are actually going to overlap. He might not be interested in having a committed relationship because of something that happened in the past, but he is looking for just sex.
What will end up happening is when you withdraw sex because you’re looking for something a little bit more serious, he will just disappear.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting something more serious just understand that some guys are not looking for that.
Nothing is going to make him want a relationship for more than just sex if he’s not even looking for that or not ready for that. always remember to date people who are open, willing, and ready for something serious.
Scared of commitment and emotions
there are a lot of guys out there that are afraid of committing to a relationship because they’re just simply not ready. sometimes men are in a certain place in their life, and they just are not ready to give to the degree they know that they are able to.
For example, a lot of guys in their 20s are not stable in life financially.
Good men want to provide a really good experience while you date them, and a lot of men do think that money does make a difference in a relationship.
Some men will wait until they are better established individually before they commit to a woman.
Sometimes men have a really hard time expressing how they feel or talking about how they feel because when they have nobody listens or cares about how they feel so they don’t really show it.
this will sometimes prevent men from getting into a relationship because they think that it’s going to require a lot of energy and sacrifice.
Since men don’t really have a whole lot of experience expressing emotions mainly because people don’t care they don’t really look for ways to do it any better.
They are afraid to lose their freedom
There are got a lot of guys who think that getting into a relationship is going to restrict their freedom. Sometimes guys will engage with you not fully realizing that they are not ready.
I have personally been in this situation before where I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all and I just wasn’t in a place to date. I ended up meeting this girl and I just wasn’t ready to commit and give away the freedom that I had coming out of a five-year relationship.
guys who are young deal with this a lot because they’re dealing with school, maybe they’re just finding a new job in the career field they really enjoy. They sometimes feel like jumping into a relationship is going to take away from their individuality and goals. Men are very mission-focused and goal-focused.
He intimidated by you
This is a bit of a humiliating story for me because I am a man, I’m writing this because there was a girl that I was extremely interested in and I was coming out of a relationship two months before I met her. so being single for two months I was just hanging out with friends, going out having drinks, and just overall having a good time.
I ended up meeting this woman at a new job that I just got. she was very beautiful, and she would constantly smile when I spoke to her.
I got her number and ended up speaking to her quite often. when I asked her if she was free, she said yes and that she was very interested in seeing me. when it came to it, I got cold feet.
This woman was a 10 out of 10 and I was just completely intimidated by her. now, this was over a decade ago at the point of writing this article, but I was at a point in my life when I was not confident enough to meet her in person actually commit to a date.
you may be in a situation where you are actually maybe on a third or fourth date and then he decides to pull away. it could still be for the same reason he just had the balls to see you unlike myself at the time.
the intimidation will come from the fact that you keep showing up and reciprocating your feelings back to him.
This can also tie into him not being ready as an individual and not feeling confident in himself as an individual man. Just didn’t feel like I was good enough to go on a date with her and give my energy and presence to her.
Sometimes build up in our head what we think the ideal date should be for that person even though most of the time they just want to see you. fixing this is not really on you because it is not your job to push him in a direction where he’s ready to date.
What to do when a guy acts interested but then randomly backs off
DON’T BLAME YOURSELF ALL THE TIME
The first thing I see a lot of women do is blame themselves. during many coaching sessions of mine girls will often say “what did I do wrong” or “what could I have done better”. I always tell them to stop blaming themselves and continue to put themselves out there.
men and women both will often have some sort of fantasy built up in their heads about what they want in a relationship and when they meet someone that fits their criteria, they begin to get caught up thinking too far into the future instead of the present moment.
this is what infatuation does to us. it completely ignores any kind of logic or reason and is purely coming from an emotional place.
Unless you deliberately did something to turn him off and you know exactly what it is do not blame yourself.
On to the next one!
Get right back out there. there is no point in waiting for somebody to come back around who just isn’t interested. Go out with people who are interested in you. go out with people who are open, willing, and ready for a relationship. people that are feeling this way will be open about it because they will openly express their feelings slowly over time.
During my coaching calls, a lot of women will feel defeated because a guy does not like them. you have to toughen right up and accept reality and move right on.
loving yourself and self-improvement
One of the main reasons I see so many people struggling in relationships is that they don’t think highly of themselves.
This does not mean having an inflated ego, but it means understanding that you are worthy of love and to not beating yourself up because somebody does not want to give it to you.
if you get rejected by a guy or a guy just disappears you do what I call your default position when life beats you up a little bit which is work on yourself.
work on the things that you have always wanted to work on as an individual. building up your individuality and your self-love always has a positive ROI (return on investment)
let’s say for example that you need to work on your communication skills. start by reading a few books on how to communicate effectively. hire A communication coach to help get you through the tough spots. there is always work to be done on yourself it’s just many people don’t really want to do it.
continue going out with friends and having as much fun as possible while working on yourself and eventually a guy will approach you and he will want to get to know you.
Get your hair done, get your nails done, and get into the gym after doing this for a little while you’re going to realize how much better you feel.
Getting caught up in your emotions
one of the most common things I see during my coaching sessions is people who get caught up in their emotions when a guy backs off. this especially happens because you’ve put in so much work, energy, and time into your dates and time together so his backing off is going to seem like a direct insult.
dating is sometimes more complicated and difficult than it needs to be. when someone backs off just take the punch to the chin and get right back out there. if you need a week or two or even a couple of months take it. But wallowing in your self-pity because a guy did not want you is not going to help you.
Dive into your hobbies
This is something that I tell my breakup clients to do because to be clear you really don’t have a whole lot of power or control over what the other person is doing. you really only have power over yourself and your own actions.
I have had many coaching students over the years sit around for months and months because they’re so sad that they got dumped or somebody does not want them anymore.
Even though you don’t really feel like it and it might be difficult to pull yourself out of bed and get right back into your hobbies.
is there something that you’ve always wanted to do and never really got a chance to do or just never really dedicated enough time to do it or made it a priority? do that thing.
Dedicate the next six months to it. there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting that one thing that you have always wanted to get done.
Some people want to learn how to make money online and buy their freedom. some people want to learn a language. some people want to get in the best physical shape that they’ve ever been. pick one thing and stick to it for six months. you will see results and you’ll be very proud of how far you’ve been able to take this goal.
Don’t let him pull you back in so he can push you back out
this follows hot and cold behavior but sometimes guys will text you or call you to want to see what you’re up to see what you’re doing so that they can see you again which will just lead to more confusion.
If he messages, you and you actually do want to see him that is totally your decision to make but understand you are walking on thin ice. if he knows that he can control you all the time and he’s not interested in being with you and dedicating himself to you.
If someone is maintaining and keeping their distance away from you, you should continue to do the same thing. this is totally about understanding your value as a person. when somebody wants to date you, they’re going to see your value and show you how valuable you are to them by spending their precious time with you.
But if they just string you along and make you feel like crap acting hot and cold mirror their actions and back off.
one of the biggest issues I have seen in the past is when someone becomes obsessed. the reasoning behind this is rejection breeds obsession. we want what we can’t have. we want to sit down and figure out why that person does not want us anymore. in doing so you are devaluing yourself and instead, you should be focused on leaving room in your life for somebody who really does want to be there.
You are worthy
if I had to put dating issues in a nutshell this would be the main root cause of why people are so bad at dating today. a ton of self-esteem issues between men and women. they don’t understand their worth and their value and will actually seek validation from their partners.
you are a unique person with your own experiences, and you have a lot to offer but I also want to make sure that you continuously work on yourself as well.
I have come across some ladies during my coaching and have been told their entire lives that they’re amazing princesses and anybody would be lucky to have them.
one of my favorite questions to ask is would you date you?
At the end of the day, we attract what we are. if we are negative all the time constantly complaining about the world and the way that the world, is you are going to get that reciprocated back to you in some way.
Be the person that you would want to date. be kind, be giving, be caring and the right person who deserves that will reciprocate that back to you.
Now I understand how difficult it is to date and have continuous failures, but it is no reason to give up.
If someone is stringing you along and acting hot and cold, you don’t want to date them anyways. they are immature and don’t really care about your feelings. Clearly, you want to go out with somebody who does care about your feelings and cares about you.
FAQ’s
what does it mean when a guy comes on strong then backs off
he had an idea in his head about what he wanted with you and at first was most likely very attracted to you and then suddenly in his mind he felt like it wasn’t worth it to continue talking to you
again, don’t beat yourself up for this because it is not entirely your fault. they have their own free will and can make their own choices. their fault comes in if they string you along for several weeks or months. Don’t forget to value yourself.
Do guys disappear when they like you?
sometimes men have a hard time showing their emotions. So, what they will do is back off and go back to where they’re comfortable. especially if that guy has been hurt in the past. this is where I see a lot of my coaching students have issues because they are scared to commit because they have not done the self-work and healing from their past relationships.
That healing itself work is the main focus that most people should be taking on a daily basis to improve their emotional centers and let go of their baggage. there are a ton of people walking around with a ton of baggage and they expect a new relationship will just cure that feeling. men also feel like the world does not really care about their feelings, so they don’t express them to people who seemingly don’t care. Which again is not your fault because you cannot make somebody work on themselves or make them want to be with you anymore.
why’d you guys’ act interested and then pull away?
The main reason I see guys do this is that they’re afraid to confront their emotions and fully commit. I have personally done this in the past and of course I’m not proud of it but the problem was I wasn’t over my ex, and I was afraid to commit to somebody because I was afraid of being hurt.
I know you want to understand why but as hard as it is remain focused on what their present actions are like. when somebody shows you consistently that they are interested in you and want to spend more time with you that’s when you know you have a good thing.
The best work I ever did taught me that focusing on the future in the past will only lead to more and more suffering.
Yes, you can have goals but when you focus on the future in the past too often you become attached to outcomes instead of being attached to the process. dating is a process and if you’re working on yourself and making yourself the best presentable option you will eventually find somebody who matches that energy.
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